Monday, June 2, 2008

Malawi Mai Quiz: answers to episode 1

First of all I would like to apologise for making this quiz so difficult. I have only received 1 answer so far and therefore cannot but conclude that the rest of you must still be pondering the question. But do not worry: I have decided to relieve you from your brain-crunching and give you the answer! Here goes:

Q

Where does a Malawi Mai keep her mobile phone?

A: her handbag or purse?

B: her hair?

C: the same place she keeps her money?

D: her bra?

E: Don’t be such an arse Caroline; this is obviously a trick question because Malawian women are too poor to even have a mobile phone!

A

More and more women are now carrying mobile phones, although the majority is still far too poor in monetary terms to buy one. The cheapest ones go for just under 4000 Kwadchas, approximately 20 Euros including SIM card. The two mobile phone providers are pushing hard to sell these cheap mobile phones so people will then buy the ‘air time’ to use them. Airtime cards can be bought for as little as 50 Kwadchas. This will give you just under 2 minutes of airtime. Or you can send 5 text messages. Rich women, and this includes working women, keep their mobile phones mostly in their handbag. However, in Malawi bras are used for more things than just holding breasts. Money, mobile phones and sometimes even beer bottles are stored there! I have yet to come across a mobile phone in someone’s hair…

And the winner is… Piet Bakker! Looking forward to hearing you knock on my gate to collect your prize!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Lots of pictures

After many requests I have finally managed to sort out my picture situation. So it was time to take my camera for a little walk to show you some of the sights and people I meet on my way to work every day.

First we have to go back in history a little bit. Normally I used to wake up at 5.45 to greet my night guard, Mayeso, enquire about the night’s events (weather conditions, amount of burglars, etc) and send him on his way. One day last week however, at half past midnight, I caught him like this: blissfully asleep in the middle of my shed.

For 30 seconds after I woke him up he actually tried to convince me that he had been fully alert and carefully guarding my life, my stuff and – as you may remember – my purple furniture, all the while cleverly disguising this dutiful activity as ‘sleeping’. But when I showed him this picture, he glumly said: “How long have you been standing there…?” Quite. He was so fast asleep that I – or any robber thus inclined – could easily have murdered him – and me! - in his sleep. It took an empty aluminium watering can thrown crashing on the concrete floor beside him to wake him up. And what a rude awakening it was. This wasn’t the first time, so I send him on his way with a month severance pay, my best wishes for the future and my instructions never to come back.

In the background of this picture you can see the bicycle that VSO has given me during my stay here. Currently I cycle to work 3 times a week. I am afraid my little legs aren’t quite strong enough yet to manage the 45 minute up-hill-down-hill cycle twice every day of the week. On the days that my legs are resting I ride a mini-bus. Interestingly enough this also takes 45 minutes, but costs much more.

So nowadays: 6.00 am and I open my front door to see if all is well. That is my front door, right there:

To those of you who entertained romantic notions of me living in some pimped up mud hut in the middle of nowhere somewhere – I apologise. I live in a 3 bed roomed house in quite an affluent neighbourhood of Lilongwe. Many of my neighbours are civil servants and such, have satellite t.v. and big cars. What is more, in the back of my garden is a separate building with 2 rooms, a toilet and a shower: the servants quarters.

o:p>

They are empty right now, but may be occupied in a few weeks time by a friend in need of 2 months accommodation. Housing is so scarce in Lilongwe that I regularly have people knocking on my door asking if they can rent my ‘boys quarters’ as they are also known, as many people have ‘house boys’ as servants to look after their houses and themselves.

The garden looks pretty awful in this picture, but is actually looking much better now with some grass, flowers and behind the house a vegetable garden with both local and familiar vegetables. All of this fertilized as you will remember with soil from my lovely pile:

Then at 7 a.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays Mrs Jere arrives. Mrs Jere is my cleaning and washing lady. She is a widow with 3 young children, and she lives only a few houses away from me. Her husband was a bank manager and when he died a few years ago the bank only provided for a little pension for the children, so the extra cash from working for me is very welcome. Mrs Jere’s first name is Ruth, but since she refuses to call me by my first name (“Noh!! I cannot do! You are my boss!!) and calls me Madam instead, I decided call her Mrs Jere. It seemed more polite that way. As a term of endearment she has now started to call me ‘Mammy’ which I find even more embarrassing than Madam! Thank God I have managed to stop her curtseying all the time! I did this by curtseying back at her every time she did this, so she was in stitches half the time. The best thing about Mrs Jere is that she is lovely. This is the picture she wanted me to show you:

5

But in actual fact she looks like this 95 percent of the time:

6

She just smiles and laughs all the time. When she comes in at 7 in the morning looking like this and laughing out loud I ask: “What is going on with you? Why are you laughing so much? Are you in love?” Big laugh, giggle:” No Mammy!”. “Are you on drugs or something?” Even bigger laugh, giggle:”Noooo, I am just happy Mammy!” Then we discuss the things I would like her to do that day – it is almost always the same: washing up, sweeping, mopping, washing clothes, ironing. She works so quickly – and thoroughly! - that all this is done by 8.30! Then obviously once a week she cleans toilet and shower etc. Often I come home and she has changed the furniture around. I guess she has not got enough to do... But that is fine. She helps me with all kinds of other errands and helpful advice so it is really nice to have her around.

By 7.15 I should be off to make it to work at 8.00. (This is the theory. In practice this never happens. 8.15 is more like it.) I get off at the mini-bus ‘depot’ near my work, which is actually nothing more than a big sandy place with lots of vans on it.

The vans have rows of benches screwed into them and people climb over and under each other to find a place.

From the mini-bus depot it is only a short walk to my work, passing interesting signage on the way. (Where would Malawi be without the indispensible Lilongwe School of Petrol Attendants?)

Then only a few more metres and there is the entrance to the premises of the Teachers Union of Malawi. Can you see the sign on the wall?

The funny thing about the location of the TUM is that it is situated in an area that consists of street after street of car wreckers, spare parts dealers and mechanics.


The place basically is one giant garage! Everywhere you look you see mechanics working on cars. These guys have their shop outdoor, just outside the TUM gate:

That is to say, this guy is just fooling around for the picture. The guys doing the actual work are hiding behind the car:

I have made a few friends in the area surrounding the office. In the building you can see behind the car in the penultimate picture work (from left) Julius, Nixon and Graham. The only really important one is Julius: I buy samosa’s from him. Graham is a good second: he is a big fan of Bingu was Mutharika and got me the picture that you saw behind Mrs Jere on my kitchen wall.

13

Clearly these three men are not mechanics. Oddly enough they sell air conditioners…

Next door we find Mike:

14

Mike used to work at the National Bank of Malawi, was a very good football player once and now owns this little spare parts shop. He is a big Manchester United fan and he regularly is hoarse on Mondays from watching them play over the weekend. He is quite a shy and friendly guy and I regularly drop by for a chat or to swop newspapers with him.

Then, just around the corner is a shop that looks like yet another spare parts outlet, but this is actually my Fanta dealership.

The guy behind the window likes to sell me Fanta’s not just from a business perspective, but he gets to teach me new phrases in Chichewa in the process. Obviously these are too difficult to remember for me so unfortunately I have already forgotten: “Can you open it?” and “Here is your change”, etc.

That’s all outside the office. Once inside we find the following people:

Jackson, the driver and registrar in the smallest office in the world. Apart from typing and laminating ID cards for teachers who need these cards in order to procure a loan, I am not sure what he does. He runs a lot of errands.

17

Nancy, the secretary to the Executive Secretary (and everybody else). She is also the gate keeper to Alfred’s office. He hides in his office most of the time. (So no picture of him here) Even though his office is less than 10 steps away from mine, in the extremely rare circumstances that he wishes to communicate something to me he writes a memo, gives it to Nancy, who hands it to me. When I want to ask a question or discuss something with him, I ask Nancy if he is free, then knock on his door and wait for his reply. I can then enter and ask my question. All of the above Alfred calls: the open door policy of the TUM office…

18

Grace, the treasurer. She thought she wasn’t wearing a very nice outfit the day I took the picture, so a head shot only. Another widow.

19

Marc, the assistant accountant. His sister has just moved into a house across the street from me. The accountant, Vitalis, is currently on leave, so unfortunately no picture of him yet.

20

Then the very important Mr Gowa. He makes the tea! As well as keeping the inside and the outside of the office area clean and tidy, playing receptionist, typing ID’s for teachers when Jackson is not around and generally being bossed around by Nancy – but in a nice way, because she is nice too.

21

And last but not least, Denis the Menace, the SG who, I have to add, does not always dress like this. Normally he is a suit and tie man, but this day he attended some multi-culti type meeting which required …pink outfits? Who knows.

So after a hard day at the office doing …virtually nothing (TUM, VSO and myself are still in the process of discussing what exactly I might contribute to the organisation. TUM had a little fantasy of having been given a free project officer (at the expense of the previous one whose contract was not renewed at the end of March) who would write project proposals for them so donors would give them money. A fundraiser, really. I thought that I would be doing more or less what I did in the Netherlands: together with the elected officials discussing and finding the best way to implement the strategic plan, giving training where necessary. Most certainly I did not envisage pushing a Malawian project officer out of a job! I guess the phrase “ Facilitating the implementation of the strategic plan” can mean different things to different people…As I said: the matter is still under discussion: I will keep you up to date) I take another mini-bus home to my area called Gulliver.

After I get off the mini-bus (you can see it on the main road in the distance) there is an opportunity for some last minute shopping of mops

Fruit

Or even hiring an assortment of handy-men.

If I am lucky there is no power cut in the evening and I can cook and eat my dinner in a leisurely fashion. If I am unlucky I race against the clock to get my dinner ready in time because several times a week there is no electricity between 6 and 7.30. Then at 9 at the latest: time for bed.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Malawi is a land with problems (4)

 

The Daily Telegraph May 12, 2008

 

CORRUPTION!

ABC probes Fam

 

Football

 

Stories by Joy Ndovi

 

The Anti Corruption Bureau (ABC) has instituted an investigation on Football Association of Malawi (Fam) referees desk for alleged incidents of favouritism and corruption in referees grading system.

The investigations follow complaints launched to the graft busting body by undisclosed members of the National Referees Association who claim to have been victimised by the association’s recommendation system for Fifa promotions.

In February the referees complained to Fam on the alleged cases of favouritism but after the association failed to address the issue they resorted to report the issue to the ABC.

Fam Chief Executive Officer Charles Nyirenda confirmed that ABC officials stormed the Technical Centre on Thursday and demanded the referees’ desk’s files. Nyirenda said the bone of contention was referees desk’s decision to alter the list of referees that had qualifies for promotion after Cooper Test conducted between October and December in 2007.

“The referees’ desk produced results of the Cooper Test and sent it to Fifa/Cal but it seems that the list had been manipulated and later on they decided to change the list again but Fifa refused to accept”.

[…]

 

 

Sunday, May 11, 2008

"You may own the country, but we have all the money"

One of the things that surprised me after I had arrived in Malawi and had looked around for a little while is that a significant part of Malawians is of Indian decent. Even though they have been here for generations – I guess since the time when both India and Malawi were part of the great British Empire – they have not integrated with the African Malawians at all. They are not very visible in the streets, politics, offices or public transport. They pretty much mind their own business. Or rather: businesses. Because that is what they do: they run most of the businesses in Malawi. And boy, are they doing well for themselves, here in one of the poorest countries in the world. Most of them are very rich indeed. Which leads to their comparative invisibility in public life. They do not walk, cycle or ride mini-buses like the Africans do: they drive around in very expensive cars and live in very big mansions that have very high barbed-wired walls around them.

Having said that though, in another way entirely they are too very visible in the public sphere. Lilongwe’s old city centre’s ‘skyline’ is dominated by two enormous mosques. It is quite an unexpected sight when you first happen upon them. In a country where 80 percent of the population is Christian, in its main street there is not a building to be found that looks like a church. Whereas the 15% that is Muslim not only own all the shops in the high street but have managed to build their houses of worship there as well. This bizarre divide between the small but very rich ‘immigrant’ population and a majority of poor Africans sometimes gives rise to – in my mind - painful scenes. Like this one, which takes place every Friday lunch time:


Here is a gathering of penniless African women waiting for a hand-out from Indians driving out of the gates of the mosque in their Mercedes and BMW’s after the Friday service. Another such painful experience is watching Indian shop owners at work in their establishments. They sit on an elevated structure near the cash register, looking down from up-high into the till that is operated by an African, overseeing the rest of the shop and generally bossing their staff around. It is truly depressing.

Predictably, Indians do not seem to be particularly popular amongst Malawians. Maybe it is because of these labour relations that remind of the Industrial Revolution, maybe it is because of the smug phrase they sometimes use to indicate the difference between themselves and the native Malawians: “You may own the country, but we have all the money.” I wonder what sensitive soul came up with that beauty? In any case not the friendly Indian business woman I met in her new restaurant just 20 metres past the mosque. Here we had a long and interesting chat about how she had started out. Having immigrated only 5 years ago, she and her husband now owned 2 businesses. Actually, even as we were talking she was in the process of starting business number 3: an internet cafĂ© at the back of her restaurant. But the main reason they had immigrated to Malawi was not business, it was religion. It turned out I was talking to a converted Hindu: she was the first minister of the First Asian Pentecostal Church of Malawi…

Thursday, April 24, 2008

NIMBY

There is nothing that will raise your environmental consciousness as quickly as living in a city where there is no rubbish collection service. Anywhere.

Back home I was never much into ‘the environment’ and ‘pollution’ and ‘separating household rubbish’ to ‘save the planet for our children’ and what not. I recycled glass only because I could get fined if it was discovered in my rubbish bags by the rubbish police. True, I did stop short at tossing empty batteries in along with everything else, but other than that I pretty much couldn’t be bothered. Animal, mineral, vegetable, chemical: off it all went, snugly together in a stylish gray plastic bag to God knows where, to be dealt with in God knows what manner. Buried? Burned? Distributed amongst the poor? Couldn’t tell you, didn’t care.

What I can tell you though, is that all this changes when rubbish collection stops. And it becomes your personal responsibility to try and get rid of every single thing you bring into your house. Then, believe me, you start to care. With every plastic carrier bag they give you in shops, you agonise: “Oh no, not another plastic bag?! Where am I going to put that?!”

Fortunately I have discovered that a lot of the stuff you bring into your house, you can get rid off by eating it. I have tried this. This works. If you have a toilet connected to the city sewage system, so much the better. If not, eating will only offer temporary reprieve. But for everything that cannot be transported from your house through the plumbing, you must find another solution. That is to say: bury it, burn it, or distribute it amongst the poor. There are people in Lilongwe who make a living sifting through other people’s rubbish and resell some of the things they find. I buy empty mayonnaise jars for my herbs and spices from a guy who sits by the side of the river with a collection of ‘reclaimed’ containers in all shapes and sizes.

As for the rest, the non-reclaimable stuff, every house has its own waste disposal unit. This unit consists of: a pile. That’s right: every house has its very own pile of its very own garbage sitting in its very own back garden. How charming. This obviously started out as good idea in the time when most of people’s waste consisted only of organic stuff. Unfortunately this is no longer the case. Sometimes the pile starts out as a pit, but after a number of years, this will have grown into a mound. The stuff just doesn’t go away, does it? I too have such a mound in the back of my garden. In fact I inherited Alfred’s! Aren’t I the lucky one?! The answer, quite surprisingly, is: yes. Apparently my pile makes very strong fertiliser. Even peppered with all kinds of non-degradable junk, I am told it is perfect compost for my garden. So here am I, staring despondently at years of empty toothpaste tubes, pens, sandwich bags, broken flip-flops and an assortment of unidentified pieces of heavy iron sticking out of what I hope will become my vegetable garden, while Mayeso cheerfully exclaims: “This is very good topsoil!”. Yeah, well, let us first see what the tomatoes taste like, that’s what I say.

But one good thing has already come from all this. I have finally started separating my household rubbish. I have divided my pile into two sections. Kitchen and garden waste on the right, the rest on the left. (Right is buried, left burned.)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Section 65: the story continues

In the interest of continuing the exciting events in the Malawian presidential race, you will be glad to learn that Parliament is due to convene on 28 April. Parliament has been called to discuss the 2008/2009 national budget as Malawi’s financial year runs from 1 May to 30 April. However, the opposition is not so much interested in debating the budget as in invoking Section 65, which would help them throw out all defecting MP’s from the National Assembly. The current president Mutharika: “Parliament must discuss budget, nothing else but budget. No budget, no Section 65”.

Meanwhile, the revenge thirsty Muluzi has problems of his own, trying to convince his party to nominate him as the UDF presidential candidate at next week’s UDF convention:

 

The Nation, Thursday, 17 April 2008

 

UDF presidential race saga:

CLERGY WANT CONVENTION POSTPONED

 

By Olivia Kumwenda

 

Religious leaders from Balaka and Ulongwe have agreed to write UDF national chairman Bakili Muluzi to consider postponing the forthcoming convention for the party to come up with an alternative plan in case the law catches up with Muluzi and Vice-President Cassim Chilumpha. Both Muluzi and Chilumpha – the only UDF presidential aspirants at the convention scheduled for April 24 – have pending court cases.

Muluzi faces a constitutional case on his ability to run for presidency again after serving two consecutive five-year terms from 1994 to 2004 and a corruption case where the Anti-Corruption Bureau is probing him over 1.4 billion Kwadcha donor money allegedly deposited into his personal account. On the other hand, Chilumpa has a pending treason case for allegedly plotting to assassinate President Bingu wa Mutharika.

The clergy – who opted for anonymity – are reported to have held a meeting on Saturday in Machinga, where they discussed that having a person with a pending court case as a presidential candidate is not healthy for the party.

[…]

 

Well… quite. Surely everyone agrees that when your party’s only two presidential candidates are alleged criminals, postponing the convention is going to restore the health of the party.

Thank God for the clergy, that’s what I say.

 

New series!! The completely obscure yet universally admired Malawi Mai Quiz! (Edutainment for the geographically challenged)

Welcome to the first installment of the Malawi Mai Quiz on my Blog! A new and exhilarating way to learn about some of the interesting, moving, endearing, funny, important and/or downright stupid things I come across in my every-day life in Malawi.

What’s with the name? Well, ‘mai’ is the Chichewa word for ‘madam’ and also for ‘mother’. It is the polite way to address a woman. Malawians are very much into this formal style of address. Like the French they may call their best friends ‘madam Suchandsuch’ or ‘mister Whatsit’ even after they have known each other for a hundred years or more. In short, this quiz is about women in Malawi. It’s a multiple choice quiz. Which means that you can choose multiple answers.

Are there prizes to be won? Of course there are! A quiz would not be a proper quiz if there wasn’t a thousand Kwadcha at stake. That’s right! One zero zero zero crispy Kwadchas for the winner of each exciting episode, to be collected in person at my house in Area 49B (It’s the one with the white wall and light green gate, just knock, and if I don’t come out at once don’t worry, just knock again because I may not have heard the first time, I’m sorry it’s probably nothing personal) in Lilongwe. (Did I mention that Malawi residents are excluded from participation?)

A warning before we start. A quiz is not for everyone. If you are one of those ‘I-have-just-come-home-from-work-where-I-have-been-thinking-deep-and-complicated-thoughts-all-day-for-frankly-not-enough-money-if-you-ask-me-but-nobody-seems-to-give-a-shit-especially-not-my-boss-what-else-is-new-and-now-I-just-want-to-read-something-light-and-fluffy-for-God-sake-something-that-will-put-a-smile-on-my-face-and-help-me-relax-you-know-instead-of-having-to-do-more-bloody-thinking-I-don’t-care-for-how-many-freakin-Kwadchas-so-quiz-mai-foot-ha-ha-pun-intended’ kind of Blog reader, this may not be for you. In which case, not to worry my friend, just scroll on! (or surf to www.hormonetherapy.com). For the rest of you: here we go!

 

Malawi Mai Quiz: episode 1!

 

Where does a Malawi Mai keep her mobile phone?

Is this in:

 

A: her handbag or purse?

B: her hair?

C: the same place she keeps her money?

D: her bra?

E: Don’t be such an arse Caroline; this is obviously a trick question because Malawian women are too poor to even have a mobile phone!

 

Looking forward to your answers. Good luck!